Good Bye

Happy new year to everyone!

Now slowly getting back into routine. I am almost a bit depressed today about that. So many things happened. So many plans had been made. And now as if nothing had happened we are going back to normal.
I like to get into this state of desiring something with all my heart and at the same time being completely happy with what we have and content to settle with it.
It is a good exercise.

We had a great holiday. Worked a bit, discovered the most beautiful wild beach behind our house. You only need a 4×4 to get there and we got stuck in the sand twice but only the last 50 meter. It is like in the first part of the surfer movie Endless Summer, when they walk over the dunes in Jeffrey’s Bay and there ist this empty, endless beach with this amazing blue sea.

We had a lot of happy time with friends and family. Food and fun.
We love this place. Even though we neglected our garden and never managed to plant a vegetables or flowers. Now poplars are growing everywhere. We both thought that for this year we want to settle down. Have a place as a home base from which we move. For years now every place has always been temporary and I am longing for a place that is home. A place that won’t change and where we always come back to.

Now, after nothing has changed I am thinking about cutting my hair short. I only let it grow to tie it up. Who needs that lot of hair.

And I am going to leave this place. It felt so lonely. I less and less wanted to go there, rather stay in real life. I realized I stopped emailing my friends and lost contact with them, and that was the opposite of what I intended. Good bye and thank you for your love and attention and beautiful and suporting comments.

Bye bye

Christmas

Life out here in the village feels less christmassy than ever. Only the beautiful lights at night remind us that we still have to buy some presents. Or maybe not. We could dig in the garage for some long forgotten toys, wrap them in nice paper and give them to the kids.

Desert

We are back from the desert. We went to the Karoo. Up a dirtroad, 100 kms north of Ceres. We took the dogs and two boys to visit Luzie and her friends on a farm.

It was different from anything else I have been. You travel this dusty yellow road and there are no cars, no trees, no houses, just bushes and dry land. There is nothing. The wind that blows into the windows is hot like a hairdryer. Nothing changes just dry flat land. And suddenly at the horizon you see something blue and it is glimmering because of the heat. It looks like water. Blue blue water and you think this must be a mirage and as you come closer you see, it is actually water. Masses of blue blue water in the middle of this dry yellow land. You have no idea where it comes from. And it is cold. It is a miracle.

We turned left at the green watertank and the sign grote dam, drove through a gate and the road became worse and worse untill we finally arrived in the middle of nowhere. Three empty cottages, no shade. The fridge didn’t work. The butter melted away. We ate all the meat the first night and drank warm beer. The water which came out of the shower was too hot to use. We went to swim at the dam. There was a huge dam In the middle of this dry land with cold water. A bird sanctuary because there is nobody. Just us and the birds. The children played in the pool, a natural hot pool where the water flows from the mountain into the pool and it just overflows because you can’t stop the water.

Every morning we got up at six o’clock after the sunrise and walked into the dessert. It was beautiful. You can walk forever in any direction. We saw a rooi cat, we collected stones and rocks. We walked along an almost dry river bed with puddles of water.

At night we listened to the birds and sat in the coole breeze. The stars were amazing. It was just us and the sky. I could lwatch the stars from my bed. I saw the moon rise bright orange and fell back asleep until a layer oft bright orange light on the dark blue sky announced the sunrise.

It had 46 or more degrees. We swam and ate and slept. It was snake season. We saw a dead Cape Cobra next to the road and told the kids to watch every step because it was an hour drive to the next doctor. Luzies friends family spent their days shooting mice and feeding them to the cats. The mice eat the vegetable they grow in a little garden and attract the snakes. The girls run around in bikinis and rubber boots.

On the way back in an insane heat, we stop for a car on the side of the dusty road. They had a puncture and their jack was broken. They said, you can not believe how glad we are to see you. We were the second car they met on the road since they had left two hours ago and had waited for 30 minutes in the burning sun until we arrived. Sven changed their tyre and than we travelled together to the next gas station more than 60 kms away. We both needed diesel and drove on empty. We knew we wouldn’t make it that far. Sven stopped at a game resort and asked if they could sell us some diesel and they did.

As soon as we left the dirt road it cooled down. We were back in the world. For the first time in my life I loved the heat. I have never experienced the dry desert heat. It is completely different from the tropical humid heat. It is so dry, I didn’t even sweat. It is like the exact opposite of a very cold clear winterday.

Live Exams

Sitting in the garden, eating breakfast, I thought whether I had passed this year. I thought which were my strong subjects and which were my weak.
I reflected the year and I came to the conclusion that I did quite well. It has been a good year. A very demanding year at the same time. A lot of things had happened.

We moved to the country side, the children went to the village school (thank God) after homeschooling them for a few months. We bought a new car and travelled for the first time since we live here. We took a stranger into our house, I made a new friend for life, I started a blog, our book came out, we went to Germany (first time after 3 years), we signed a new book contract, we went to Madagascar. And I am sure I forgot some important things.

I asked Sven if he thinks he had passed this year. He said, he thinks he made it. I asked him what was his best subject. He said love.
Mine was happiness and contentment. That was my prayer at the beginning of this year.
We just had moved here, I was swimming in the river and thought, this is heaven, this is what I had always dreamt of and at the same moment I started to worry: Why did we only sign the lease for one year? What if we have to leave this place?
And I realized that I lived most of my life worrying. Either I was anxious that things would come to pass and when they finally did I worried that they will pass.
Floating on my back I decided this had to stop. I prayed that I would learn how to be happy and content in every situation. And I think this is what I learned this year.

Even now, feeling change coming without knowing where to go and how to do it, I feel peace. I enjoy where I am, and I am grateful for it and at the same time I am excited for new things to come, knowing God will give me the heart for wherever he wants me to be.

My weakest subject is still patience. That was my last years lesson and I hardly passed. I never understood why you have to learn patience. Wouldn’t it be much easier if things simply would happen faster?
But even here I learned not to wait, but to enjoy live in the meantime. That makes it much easier. And there is always something to enjoy.

Final Destiny

Today was the last day in school.
Anton has finished seventh grade and passed. They went to school with their white shirts over their casual clothes for everyone to write on. He will be going to high school next year and that will be a big change. For all of us. Because there is no high school in Stanford and he will not board. We might all move. To the city.

This thought kept us busy the whole week. We went to the German school in Cape Town and liked it very much. I am soo excited thinking about living in the city. I think I had my share of country life now. It was great, I will miss it, but it is time for a change. Nothing is sure for now but we have to decide within the next six weeks. Than school will start. I must hold myself back not getting too excited.

We thought about all the plans that we had made. One of them was to travel the world with the children when they are still young and living with us. Our friend Michael said, while we were waiting for our children: “Yes, traveling the world would be great. As long as it is still there.”

This evening I watched “Edmond” on dvd. It was still light outside. I usually don’t watch movies during the day. I feel guilty doing that, but today it was a lazy hot day. The beginning of the holidays. Luzie was sleeping next to me, exhausted from the school year that has just ended, the sun was shining through the open door into her face and I hang a blanket up the reck where a curtain should be.

David Mamet wrote the screenplay to Edmond. It is not an excellent film, but an excellent script. It has got the best ending I have ever seen. I usually forget every ending but this I will remember forever. A burned out white business guy finding his final destiny in a prison cell in the arms of a black prisoner with a rotten front tooth who had sodomized him. Now I spoiled the movie for you but you might have never watched it anyway. Have a great holiday!

My Boy

Anton age 8

Anton age 10

Anton age 12

Anton two months ago

It was Antons 14th birthday on Friday. Like every birthday I couldn’t believe that is has been 14 years ago when i pushed him into the world. I still remember his birth as it was yesterday. The night in our apartment in Berlin Charlottenburg. My friend U. was with me because Sven was working as a projectionist at a movie theater that night. U. and I watched a movie on my small black and white tv. I was already a week past my due date and again nothing seemed to happen. U. had just decided to sleep over when Sven came home at midnight and the moment he opened the door I had my first contraction. I got up and fired the oven in the bathroom to take a bath. We had only cold water and Kachelöfen in that apartment. I am too scared of hospitals thats why I had my children at home.
My midwife was on holiday and her replacement didn’t hear the beeper. So nobody came until 3 o clock in the morning. I was in the bath for hours. I had never met the midwife before and when she came she said that was her first birth since 10 years. But she was great. Somehow she got me out of the tub and onto the bed. I left marks on Svens and my friends hands and arms when I finally pushed him out. It was 7 o clock in the morning and Sven went out to buy champaign and breakfast to celebrate. Anton was the most beautiful baby. He looked so familiar to me. He had the most perfect nose and ears. He still has.

He went on a big hike with two friends and two girls and Sven the next day. They walked three and a half hours to the rock pools and waterfall. Sven showed me on his camera Anton’s 5 meter jump from the rocks into the water. He never did that before. He seemed changed. He is becoming a man now. This morning I found a paper envelope in my laptop. “From a secret helper” was written in front of it in small skew letters. Inside were 250 Rand. Anton had given me his birthday money because “we need it more than him”. When I gave it back to him with tears in my eyes, he grinned and said, I knew you would give it it back to me anyway.

Olga’s Details

I tagged my friend Olga, but since she aint got no blog, I give her some space here.
Meet my friend:

1. clothing

I’m always in a place where I want to sit and reflect and then implement a plan for my own ‘style’. I feel that I have never established a definite style for myself and that upsets me because it is something that I really like. Perhaps I refused to put too much effort into because the fashion industry and models in general just irritate me. Also, I rarely feel up to going shopping and believe that having to look for clothes, (and try them on) when you don’t have the inspiration or strength for it, is just torture. Since I started working I’ve also changed what I look for, when I shop, in a big way. I have a wide variety of skirts & shirts (magic combination – feminine and very comfortable). When I was studying I wore a lot of big and colorful African skirts. I had to part with them because attorneys don’t wear stuff like that. I may have become a bit bland in what I wear and the way I dress during the week and the way I dress over weekends are really very different. I think I dress way too casual over weekends. Sometimes, I’ll be walking in the city streets, feeling very confident and chic and think “I wish so and so (in Hermanus or whatever) could see what I’m wearing today”. Shoes. I have big feet and sometimes feel tempted to ask for a size 9 knowing that the salesperson will just blank-stare me . If the shoe is still new (and fresh) I’ll probably have to squeeze my foot into the biggest size they’ve got. This is just with heeled shoes (which , believe it or not, I find very exciting. It makes you walk so differently. Not weird or wobbly but more upright and confident). I NEVER wear socks.

2. furniture

I haven’t been living out of boxes for the past decade but I haven’t exactly sprouted roots either. I recently bought a big (some say uncomfortable) white leather (or rather pleather ?) couch. I don’t know why but I love it. I never know exactly what I want to buy and love having an only a vague idea and then letting my nose/imagination lead me to little–treasure shops where you find the most wonderful things if you have patience and don’t mind getting dirty. I hate the monstrously expensive cori craft-type furniture that every second house-frau dreams about owning. Whenever I am really excited and inspired about something but keep myself open to a detour the most amazing things happen. I am, however, not in the market for furniture at the moment.

3. sweet

Anything chocolate. I try not to but tend to eat chocolate every day.

“Chocolate. Here today. Gone today.”

4. city

I’ve only ever known Johannesburg (where I grew up) and cape town where I live now. When I was little, JHB was to me what the dark and scary forest must have been to little red riding hood. I still can’t believe that people dare entering it at all. I remember driving through the streets once and seeing many buildings empty, all the windows broken and badly vandalized. Just two minutes outside the city the rich people live in their mansions and there are plush gardens and trees everywhere. The contrast is interesting but JHB never tickled my fancy or my imagination. Not like Cape Town, my mother city. I can feel so complete one day and completely alone the next. I suppose that’s what a city is meant to be. A platform to anywhere or anything you want. Love to see New York and live in Paris for a year.

5. drink

I’m much more of an eater than a drinker but I do love a beer with lunch, red wine and beer shandy (because it always makes me feel like I’m on holiday). Coffee only when I’m offered or ‘having coffee’ with someone. Never coke or any soft drink and 8 glasses of water a day, of course.

6. music

I not answering this one. It’s too much even for me to process.

7. Tv

I’ve always been at my happiest without a tv in the house. It drains me and fills me with junk at the same time. Lately, whenever I feel like watching something I’ll rent a series (really enjoyed Pushing Daisies, Six Feet Under, Ugly Betty and even though I don’t understand why, the O.C. there’s like a zillion discs to rent) and watch it on a laptop. I’ve noticed that I’m a little out of touch with the news and the latest funny advertisements. I can live with that.

8. film

I could never name all of them but movies that have touched me are Fried Green Tomatoes, Stranger than Fiction, Into the wild, Thelma and Louise, Bella, The Big Blue, 1900, Before sunrise (and Before sunset – the scene right at the end still makes my belly turn with delight), Amelie (magical), The never-ending story (I still dream of flying on Falkor’s back through the clouds), Closer, Alice by Woody Allan, Harold and Maude, Great Expectations (had a magical afternoon once during exams and fell in love with the dialogue and music), also love the Three Colors blue, red and white (these were about the only ‘art house’ movies the video store had when I was growing up), Dan in real life. Too much to remember. Hate horror movies and try not to like romantic comedies.

9. books

Unbearable lightness of being by Milan Kundera (It still feels like the first book I’ve ever read although I know it isn’t), A prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving (I think about it almost everyday – proof that a fictional book can give you true guidance in life), Lady Chatterley’s Lover (just for the last paragraph. Beautiful.), any Kinky Friedman I can get my hands on (it’s my junk food), Griet skryf ‘n Sprokie by Maretha vd Vyfer, Houd-den-Bek by Andre P. Brink, Susters van Eva by Dalene Matthee, Wegkomkans by Maretha vd Vyfer, The World according to Garp by John Irving (brilliant ending), Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, Manual for the Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho (because my brother made me read it during a dark time and it made me smile). I can’t name them all.

10. workout

I won’t say I like it but I ALWAYS feel amazing when I do and I have all my angry imaginary conversations during so it clears my mind and I can feel my body is thankful that I moved around a bit. The first stride of a nice long run is always wonderful. I just like moving (climbing, dancing, stretching) and can remember a time once when I was fit and super healthy. I loved it. I’m not competitive at all and lately I enjoy sitting on my couch much more than I do running.

11. hair

Going for a hair cut is like going to the dentist for me. It’s always traumatic, though I keep it to myself. My palms get sweaty and my heart pounds as I try to explain, in vain, what I want him/her to do to my hair. Because I always wait ages before I gather enough courage to make an appointment I always get a lecture about how long and un-styled my hair is. I’ve learnt that I shouldn’t let my hair get too long as I tie it up and then it’s all downhill from there. My hair is happiest when it’s wild and free. Another big no-no if you’re an attorney is to have wild unrestrained hair and I sometimes think my hair rebels by looking just terrible some days. Fact – a good hair day is bloody marvelous. I need a hair cut.

12. pastries

Need to be as decadent as possible or it seems like such a waste.

13. coffee

I enjoy it but never crave it.

Weird

On my blog stats site I can see which terms people used to find my blog.

Today it was:
elke naters blog: 5 views
tote babys (dead babies) : 2 views
25mortonstreet: 1 view
verschluckte socke (swallowed sock): 1 view

Yesterday:
plastic nappy: 2 views
tote babys: 1 view
25mortonstreet: 1 view

I don’t know about the swallowed sock but the dead babies really freak me out.

The City of my Dreams

I often dream about a big city. It is the city of my dreams. Literarily. I always cry when I get there. It feels like coming home. Often I would call it New York, but it isn’t. The city of my dreams looks completely different. Not even nice. And completely strange. I always wonder why I have such an affinity to that city and at the same time it is almost repulsive. Huge Buildings, wide and empty streets with lots of empty space. You almost can’t walk there. It is too big. It is a city on a hill. I have to climb or drive a long way up to the top. Last night I sat in a highrise building on top of the hill. I looked out of the window and cried because I finally got there.
I wonder why this place keeps coming back and how this place that I have never seen before and which doesn’t look like any place I know always looks alike and how I can be so moved and feel so at home when at the same time it feels so strange. Even in my dreams I wonder.

Heartbraking

After I woke up, Sven brought me tea and told me a story from the local paper. There was this 20 years old woman, a young mother, living in the township, who had an incurable heart disease. One morning she received a call from the Banard Memorial Hospital that they had a matching heart for her and the operation was scheduled at 11 the next morning.

This woman was very weak. She was lying in bed for more than one year. She got up the next morning and went on a taxi. The hospital is more than a hundred kms away. The taxi ( a minibus, main transport for poor people) dropped her of a taxi rank in Bellville, a suburb outside Cape Town, where she had to get another taxi to get into the city.
She arrived at 10 in Cape Town. At that time one of her legs was paralyzed and “she started to feel strange”. It took her more than a half our walk from there to the hospital. She was on the brink of collapse but she dragged herself there.

Concerned nurses phoned her because she hasn’t arrived yet and encouraged her all the way. Finally she arrived shortly before the operation was scheduled, got a new heart and recovered remarkably well after.
When the Overstrand executive mayor saw her story in the paper he visited her in the hospital and said, “this woman is such an inspiration for everyone. She helped herself against all odds”.

How could he dare to say that? He should fall on his knees an apologize to that woman that she had to drag herself to the hospital on the risk of her life. He should buy her a car and pay for her license. At least.

I can’t believe they didn’t send her an ambulance to get there. Even when they knew, she was on her way and could hardly make it, they didn’t rush out to get her, but cheered her on the phone: Yeahh, come on, you will make, just another 100 meters). They have a heart for her but no transport to get it. How ironic is this?