Silberhaare/ Silver-Hair

Anfang dieses Jahres hatte ich noch lange dunkle Haare. Im März habe ich sie abgeschnitten und im April zum letzten Mal gefärbt. Lange lief ich mit einem grauen Haaransatz herum, der sich immer weiter ausbreitete. Vor drei Wochen habe alle dunklen Haare abgeschnitten. Deshalb sind sie so kurz.

Da ich hier keinem Friseur traue (nicht nur hier) schneide ich mir selbst die Haare. Auch aus dem Unvermögen heraus dem Friseur meine Wünsche klar formulieren zu können. Mit einem Zeitungsausschnitt zum Frisuer zu gehen hat noch nie geklappt.
Außerdem muß ich nie auf einem Termin warten, wenn ich einen Schnitt brauche.
Ich habe nur lange Haare getragen, weil ich damit nicht zum Friseur muss und sie einfach zusammenbinden und hochstecken kann, die einzige Frisur, neben kurzen Haaren, die mir wirklich steht.

Ich schneide auch meinen Freundinnen die Haare, nach einer Methode, die ich “hairsculpting” nenne. An trockenen Haaren schneide ich solange herum, bis sie gut aussehen, denn allein darauf kommt es an und nicht einen besonders raffinierten oder perfekten Haarschnitt hinzulegen.
Das ist es, was ich an Friseuren nicht leiden kann. Dass sie einem eine Frisur aufs Gesicht verpassen, egal, ob es passt oder nicht. Selbst wenn ich einen guten Friseur gefunden hatte, wurde der mit der Zeit nachlässig und bekam es nie mehr so gut hin wie am Anfang. Vielleicht stell ich mich an, aber schließlich muß ich jeden Tag mit diesemHaarschnitt herumlaufen

Neulich las ich, dass Helen Mirren sich auch selbst die Haare schneidet.
Sogar meine Mutter fragte mich neulich, ob ich ihr nicht  die Haare schneiden könnte.

At the beginning of the year, my hair was still long and dark. In March I cut it short and April was the last month where I dyed it. For a long time I was running around with a growing silvercrone around my head. Three weeks ago I cut off all the brown hair. That’s why it is so short.

Since I don’t trust any hairdresser here, I cut my own hair. Another reason is because I always fail to find the right words to tell the hairdresser exactly what I want.
Now I don’t have to wait for an appointement when I need a haircut.

I only had long hair so I don’t have to go to a hairdresser and I can tie it up. The only hairstyle besides short hair I like on myself.

I also cut my friends hair. I call it “hairsculpting”. I cut the dry hair until they look good. That is the only thing that counts. Not to produce an elaborate haircut.
This is what I don’t like with most hairdresser. They give you a cut no matter if it suits your face or not.
Even when I had found a good hairdresser, it only worked for a while and then they became slack and never mamaged to get it right. Maybe I am too critical, but this is my hair and I have to run around with it all the time. It needs to be right!

The other day I read that even Helen Mirren cuts her own hair.
Yesterday my mother asked me if I could bring my scissors next time and cut her hair.

3 Sisters

Das sind Eden’s kleine Schwestern. Sie waren bei uns zu Besuch und Luzie hat sie frisiert und geschmückt, während ich Eden’s Haare geschnitten habe.

This are Eden’s littles sisters. They were here and Luzie did their hair while I was cutting Eden’s hair.

Brice

Leia

Auriel

Good Bye

Happy new year to everyone!

Now slowly getting back into routine. I am almost a bit depressed today about that. So many things happened. So many plans had been made. And now as if nothing had happened we are going back to normal.
I like to get into this state of desiring something with all my heart and at the same time being completely happy with what we have and content to settle with it.
It is a good exercise.

We had a great holiday. Worked a bit, discovered the most beautiful wild beach behind our house. You only need a 4×4 to get there and we got stuck in the sand twice but only the last 50 meter. It is like in the first part of the surfer movie Endless Summer, when they walk over the dunes in Jeffrey’s Bay and there ist this empty, endless beach with this amazing blue sea.

We had a lot of happy time with friends and family. Food and fun.
We love this place. Even though we neglected our garden and never managed to plant a vegetables or flowers. Now poplars are growing everywhere. We both thought that for this year we want to settle down. Have a place as a home base from which we move. For years now every place has always been temporary and I am longing for a place that is home. A place that won’t change and where we always come back to.

Now, after nothing has changed I am thinking about cutting my hair short. I only let it grow to tie it up. Who needs that lot of hair.

And I am going to leave this place. It felt so lonely. I less and less wanted to go there, rather stay in real life. I realized I stopped emailing my friends and lost contact with them, and that was the opposite of what I intended. Good bye and thank you for your love and attention and beautiful and suporting comments.

Bye bye

Final Destiny

Today was the last day in school.
Anton has finished seventh grade and passed. They went to school with their white shirts over their casual clothes for everyone to write on. He will be going to high school next year and that will be a big change. For all of us. Because there is no high school in Stanford and he will not board. We might all move. To the city.

This thought kept us busy the whole week. We went to the German school in Cape Town and liked it very much. I am soo excited thinking about living in the city. I think I had my share of country life now. It was great, I will miss it, but it is time for a change. Nothing is sure for now but we have to decide within the next six weeks. Than school will start. I must hold myself back not getting too excited.

We thought about all the plans that we had made. One of them was to travel the world with the children when they are still young and living with us. Our friend Michael said, while we were waiting for our children: “Yes, traveling the world would be great. As long as it is still there.”

This evening I watched “Edmond” on dvd. It was still light outside. I usually don’t watch movies during the day. I feel guilty doing that, but today it was a lazy hot day. The beginning of the holidays. Luzie was sleeping next to me, exhausted from the school year that has just ended, the sun was shining through the open door into her face and I hang a blanket up the reck where a curtain should be.

David Mamet wrote the screenplay to Edmond. It is not an excellent film, but an excellent script. It has got the best ending I have ever seen. I usually forget every ending but this I will remember forever. A burned out white business guy finding his final destiny in a prison cell in the arms of a black prisoner with a rotten front tooth who had sodomized him. Now I spoiled the movie for you but you might have never watched it anyway. Have a great holiday!

Olga’s Details

I tagged my friend Olga, but since she aint got no blog, I give her some space here.
Meet my friend:

1. clothing

I’m always in a place where I want to sit and reflect and then implement a plan for my own ‘style’. I feel that I have never established a definite style for myself and that upsets me because it is something that I really like. Perhaps I refused to put too much effort into because the fashion industry and models in general just irritate me. Also, I rarely feel up to going shopping and believe that having to look for clothes, (and try them on) when you don’t have the inspiration or strength for it, is just torture. Since I started working I’ve also changed what I look for, when I shop, in a big way. I have a wide variety of skirts & shirts (magic combination – feminine and very comfortable). When I was studying I wore a lot of big and colorful African skirts. I had to part with them because attorneys don’t wear stuff like that. I may have become a bit bland in what I wear and the way I dress during the week and the way I dress over weekends are really very different. I think I dress way too casual over weekends. Sometimes, I’ll be walking in the city streets, feeling very confident and chic and think “I wish so and so (in Hermanus or whatever) could see what I’m wearing today”. Shoes. I have big feet and sometimes feel tempted to ask for a size 9 knowing that the salesperson will just blank-stare me . If the shoe is still new (and fresh) I’ll probably have to squeeze my foot into the biggest size they’ve got. This is just with heeled shoes (which , believe it or not, I find very exciting. It makes you walk so differently. Not weird or wobbly but more upright and confident). I NEVER wear socks.

2. furniture

I haven’t been living out of boxes for the past decade but I haven’t exactly sprouted roots either. I recently bought a big (some say uncomfortable) white leather (or rather pleather ?) couch. I don’t know why but I love it. I never know exactly what I want to buy and love having an only a vague idea and then letting my nose/imagination lead me to little–treasure shops where you find the most wonderful things if you have patience and don’t mind getting dirty. I hate the monstrously expensive cori craft-type furniture that every second house-frau dreams about owning. Whenever I am really excited and inspired about something but keep myself open to a detour the most amazing things happen. I am, however, not in the market for furniture at the moment.

3. sweet

Anything chocolate. I try not to but tend to eat chocolate every day.

“Chocolate. Here today. Gone today.”

4. city

I’ve only ever known Johannesburg (where I grew up) and cape town where I live now. When I was little, JHB was to me what the dark and scary forest must have been to little red riding hood. I still can’t believe that people dare entering it at all. I remember driving through the streets once and seeing many buildings empty, all the windows broken and badly vandalized. Just two minutes outside the city the rich people live in their mansions and there are plush gardens and trees everywhere. The contrast is interesting but JHB never tickled my fancy or my imagination. Not like Cape Town, my mother city. I can feel so complete one day and completely alone the next. I suppose that’s what a city is meant to be. A platform to anywhere or anything you want. Love to see New York and live in Paris for a year.

5. drink

I’m much more of an eater than a drinker but I do love a beer with lunch, red wine and beer shandy (because it always makes me feel like I’m on holiday). Coffee only when I’m offered or ‘having coffee’ with someone. Never coke or any soft drink and 8 glasses of water a day, of course.

6. music

I not answering this one. It’s too much even for me to process.

7. Tv

I’ve always been at my happiest without a tv in the house. It drains me and fills me with junk at the same time. Lately, whenever I feel like watching something I’ll rent a series (really enjoyed Pushing Daisies, Six Feet Under, Ugly Betty and even though I don’t understand why, the O.C. there’s like a zillion discs to rent) and watch it on a laptop. I’ve noticed that I’m a little out of touch with the news and the latest funny advertisements. I can live with that.

8. film

I could never name all of them but movies that have touched me are Fried Green Tomatoes, Stranger than Fiction, Into the wild, Thelma and Louise, Bella, The Big Blue, 1900, Before sunrise (and Before sunset – the scene right at the end still makes my belly turn with delight), Amelie (magical), The never-ending story (I still dream of flying on Falkor’s back through the clouds), Closer, Alice by Woody Allan, Harold and Maude, Great Expectations (had a magical afternoon once during exams and fell in love with the dialogue and music), also love the Three Colors blue, red and white (these were about the only ‘art house’ movies the video store had when I was growing up), Dan in real life. Too much to remember. Hate horror movies and try not to like romantic comedies.

9. books

Unbearable lightness of being by Milan Kundera (It still feels like the first book I’ve ever read although I know it isn’t), A prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving (I think about it almost everyday – proof that a fictional book can give you true guidance in life), Lady Chatterley’s Lover (just for the last paragraph. Beautiful.), any Kinky Friedman I can get my hands on (it’s my junk food), Griet skryf ‘n Sprokie by Maretha vd Vyfer, Houd-den-Bek by Andre P. Brink, Susters van Eva by Dalene Matthee, Wegkomkans by Maretha vd Vyfer, The World according to Garp by John Irving (brilliant ending), Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, Manual for the Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho (because my brother made me read it during a dark time and it made me smile). I can’t name them all.

10. workout

I won’t say I like it but I ALWAYS feel amazing when I do and I have all my angry imaginary conversations during so it clears my mind and I can feel my body is thankful that I moved around a bit. The first stride of a nice long run is always wonderful. I just like moving (climbing, dancing, stretching) and can remember a time once when I was fit and super healthy. I loved it. I’m not competitive at all and lately I enjoy sitting on my couch much more than I do running.

11. hair

Going for a hair cut is like going to the dentist for me. It’s always traumatic, though I keep it to myself. My palms get sweaty and my heart pounds as I try to explain, in vain, what I want him/her to do to my hair. Because I always wait ages before I gather enough courage to make an appointment I always get a lecture about how long and un-styled my hair is. I’ve learnt that I shouldn’t let my hair get too long as I tie it up and then it’s all downhill from there. My hair is happiest when it’s wild and free. Another big no-no if you’re an attorney is to have wild unrestrained hair and I sometimes think my hair rebels by looking just terrible some days. Fact – a good hair day is bloody marvelous. I need a hair cut.

12. pastries

Need to be as decadent as possible or it seems like such a waste.

13. coffee

I enjoy it but never crave it.

Dieses Buch wird Ihr Leben Verändern!

Für alle, die es noch nicht haben oder nicht wissen: Unser Buch “Was wir von der Liebe verstehen” kann man jetzt kaufen, leider bisher nur in deutscher Sprache, aber das wird sich bald ändern.

Es ist in der Tat lebensverändernd, man kann es immer wieder lesen, viel lachen, manchmal auch weinen, es ist offen und ehrlich (vielleicht zu ehrlich), was man heutzutage so selten findet wie eine unverbaute Aussicht.
Deshalb kauft es, lest es, vorallem verschenkt es an alle Paare die ihr kennt und solche, die es werden wollen. Und vorallem an die, die ihre Hoffnung an die Liebe glauben verloren zu haben.

Wir haben auch noch einen Blog dazu eingerichtet, in dem wir abwechselnd über die Freuden und Leiden der Liebe schreiben. Sven hat ihn mit einer Geschichte über Vertrauen eröffnet und ich werde bald darauf antworten. Außerdem gibt es Textauszüge und ein Interview zu lesen und kleines Video zu sehen.

Unser Wunsch ist es, noch mehr Autoren zu diesen Themen zu gewinnen so daß ein möglichst vielfältiger und anregender Austausch stattfindet, zu dem wir auch die Leser einladen wollen.

Außerdem schreibt Sven auch noch einen Blog!
Sven also started a blog. Don’t miss it. Yes, we are living in blogworld now!

A Lazy Guide to Stay Thin

I find that I have a lot more to say about things I know little about.
For example diet. I never have been on a diet. Not that I never had too.

I am 1.80m. When I was 17 I weighed 57 kilos. My ideal weight now would be about 65. I don’t know my weight now because I only step on a scale when I feel really thin and that was what the hotel scale showed two and half years ago. When I feel too fat it usually shows 70.

The last time I got rid of 5 kilos was on my last reading tour in Germany. I had a nervous tummy bug and could hardly eat for a week. At the end of my journey I bought a pair of Jeans as encouragement to stay thin. I haven’t worn these jeans for a year. My skinny Jeans are still my measure.

For a long time I thought it is just luck that some people stay thin and others don’t. I honestly thought fat people eating big cakes is a chliche´. But it isn’t. I realized that most thin people eat less. All my friends which are thiner than me eat less than I do. And most people which are fatter than me eat more. Most thin people are always very disciplined with food. Most people have to be that. Always!
If I want to stay thin I have to stay hungry. I can not always eat untill I feel full.

I don’t believe in diets. I believe diets are dangerous. Only fat people go on diets. And they usually stay fat or get fat again. I believe once you starve yourself your metabolism gets lazy and you will store fat that you will never get rid of. I believe in eating less. So I slowly and carefully go down with my food intake.
I believe in a diet for life. A healthy eating habit that I found is working for me. I wrote down some of the rules that came into my mind. Depending on my weight and mood I stick to more or less of the rules. My body weight is only dictated by my own well being and the clothes I wear. No scales!

- Never get on a scale when you are trying to loose weight.

- Never ever buy new clothes a size bigger because everything you own is too small. (This is a non-negotionable!)

- Don’t starve yourself untill you get so hungry that you could eat a whole cow (and do).

- Decrease your food intake slowly but constantly

- Don’t get bored. Get some excitement.

- Sport only makes you hungry (and even worse, your body will get used to it and you will have to keep on exercising to keep your weight). Walk more or have more sex instead.

- Go for an hour walk every day.

- Cook a lot. I loose my appetite when I cook.

- Eat less but more often. 5 meals a day.

- Never go on a diet!

- Avoid bread, cake, everything flowery, sugar (when you can) and potatoes (in any form!) when you feel too fat.

- When you had a heavy meal stay away from desert.

- Don’t eat after 6 o’ clock in the evening or only a light meal.

- Take only half portions and rather go for seconds. Stop eatings even when you still feel hungry, but feel full once a day.

- Eat little portions of many different foods. So your tastedbuds are fully satisfied.

- Only eat when you are hungry and not because everybody else does.

- Never feel guilty but feel good about yourself if you kept even one rule for today and keep on trying.

- Eat slowly! (I can’t, but I know two very skinny girls who eat veery slowly and thought there might be a connection)

- Only drink water!

Any other suggestions?

Next: My thoughts on the best way to spend your life. Stay thin!

La Vie Est Formidable

Wieder zurück. Schon seit ein paar Tagen, aber ich brauche Zeit ganz anzukommen. Es war ein großartiger Monat. Ich möchte mich bei all meinen wunderbaren Freunden bedanken, die uns so großartig aufgenommen und bekocht haben!
Es macht mich glücklich und traurig zugleich, so nah gekommen aber wieder so weit weg zu sein.

Mein Kopf ist ein vollgesogener Schwamm voller Eindrücke und Ideen. Er ist so schwer, daß ich ihn kaum herumtragen kann und ganz langsam bin im Denken und im Reden.
Ich lag die letzten Tage im Bett und habe die aufsteigende Erkältung bekämpft, die seit zwei Wochen versucht zu ihrem Recht zu kommen. Jetzt hat sie es endlich begriffen: Sie hat kein Recht.

Hier ist Sommer. Richtig Sommer, mit 30 Grad und allem. Um halb acht wird es dunkel, um 6 Uhr morgens geht die Sonne auf. Alles wächst und blüht wie verrückt. Der Garten ist überwuchert. Es ist überwältigend. Vor einem Monat waren die Temperaturen hier ähnlich wie in Deutschland. Verrückt eine Zeitverschiebung von einem halben Jahr.

Mein Hirn hängt halb über dem Äquator, aber bald wird es ganz hier sein und das ist gut so, weil ich es nämlich brauche. Noch liege ich herum wie unter einer Glasglocke mit dem betäubendem Geruch und der Wärme des Sommers, Vogelstimmen und kann es gar nicht fassen wieder hier zu sein..

******

I am back again. Since a few days but I need more time to arrive completely. It was the greatest month! I want to thank all my wonderful friends for their great hospitality and the delicious food they cooked for us!

I am sad and happy at the same time. Having been so close and having moved so far away again.

My head is like a sponge, full of ideas and impressions. It is so heavy that I can hardly carry it around and I am very slow in thinking and talking.

I spent the last two days in bed trying to fight down a cold that tried to get it’s right for the last two weeks. It finally got it: It hasn’t got any right.

Here is summer. Really summer. 30 degrees and all. The sun sets at half past seven and rises at 6.30. Everything grows and blossoms like mad. The garden is overgrown. It is overwhelming. Only a month ago we had about the same temperature as in Germany. It is crazy having half a year time difference.

My brain still hangs half above the equator, but it will soon arrive and that is good because I need it here. I feel like under a glass cover and still can’t believe to be here again.

our bed in cologne

beautiful autumn leaves on the balcony in Cologne

Near the Rhein Ufer in Köln

View from the Rhein Bridge

Steps in front of the Philharmonie in Köln. The Dom in the back.

The Dom

Sven auf der Domplatte

Bruder Klaus Kapelle build bei great Peter Zumthor. Unfortunately it was closed on Monday, when we arrived.

Sven in front of the Zumthor chapell

Brussels. Foto by Toni

Life is great. Kitchen in Brussels

Miss Selfrighteous

Today I was again the bad guy. The really bad guy. I am again confronted with myself confronting people in a not so friendly way, because I can get very upset and when I am upset I can hardly control my feelings and so I upset the feelings of people who upset me.

It doesn’t happen often and maybe this is the reason why I have difficulties to get too close to people, because if I see something wrong it is hard for me to hold back and I can not really discern whether it is controlling or caring, but most of the time there is a caring aspect, even when it comes across quite controlling. And selfrighteous.

I have a very limited imagination. I can’t even imagine to ever eat again when I am full, and after a hot and sunny day I am almost startled when it is rainy and cold. How should I imagine how other people feel? Most of the times I am not even trying, because I know I will fail. I believe things that work for me also must work for others.

It irritates me and I want to see myself clearly. I know I have little empathy. And my homeopath once told me I lack grace. That is true. Aber woher nehmen, wenn nicht stehlen? Where to get from and not steal it? I am praying for it, but sometimes there doesn’t seem to be enough.

I am not very compassionate, nor understanding. I try to be more tolerant, but I can’t hold back because it makes me sick. What I obviously have to learn is to confront people in a loving and understanding way. To get my heart right first.

I hate to know that I didn’t do things right, that I failed, that I could have done much better. I am not even a perfectionist. I am confused not knowing what is right or wrong, but I am getting more at ease that it is ok to mess up, admit my mistakes, try to learn and hope to do better next time.

Loosing Myself

Sven found our video tapes the other day and I looked through all of them. The kids dancing in our Berlin apartement, on rollerblades on the Gendarmenmarkt, Luzie missing her upper front teeth and so much blonder than now. 5 years ago, before we moved to South Africa.

I enjoyed going back in time but it also made me sad. I thought it was because these children are gone forever, these times will never come back, but I also remembered how desperate I was at that time. I saw all these happy moments on camera, the beautiful children, summer in berlin and remembered I wasn’t really there. In my memory, I am absent and I remembered how much my life was determined to wait for something to happen: A new book, a new place to live, the children to get well again, winter to finish, summer to start, the children to grow up.

It seemed as I was always at a place where I was not. Was not or if not. If only… I could be happy, if not… I would feel much better. I had an overwhelming feeling of regret not having enjoyed every moment, realizing how happy they were and that they will never come back. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy my life, we had a great time together, but my underlining feeling was that of being somewhere else in my mind, not being where I should be, not enjoying what I should have enjoyed as much as possible. I worried too much. I looked into the future or into the past while I missed the moment.

It was painful to realize that, but it is also freeing to know that I live differently now, that I have learned to be in the moment and appreciate more what I have.
It was so sad looking back and realizing what I actually had and how little I was able to enjoy it. What a waste. At the same time I was grateful for everything I have right now and I told my husband how much I love him and appreciate him and I know how much he missed me in all these years where I withdrew myself.

Life now feels so much more real to me, I feel soaked, drenched with life. I stopped waiting for things to happen and I think it is because I came out of my snail house, where everything was about me and where I thought I had to take refuge to not loose myself, and instead opened myself as I never did before. And taking the risk of loosing myself, I did find life.