Rauchen – Nichtrauchen

Heute nahmen wir einen Mann mit. Er sprach uns in Spar an und kannte Sven aus Stanford und fragte, ob wir ihm einen lift geben können.
Als er ausgestiegen war, sagte ich zu Sven, “der roch so gut nach Lagerfeuer. An einem kalten, nassen Tag wie diesem hat dieser rauchige Geruch direkt etwas wärmendes”.
Sven sagte, “ist das dein Ernst? Er roch nach dem billigsten Tabak, den du kaufen kannst, der sieht aus wie Heu und alle Penner stinken danach.”
Es ist ungwöhnlich, daß ich etwas für wohlriechend halte, was für Sven stinkt. Meistens stinkts mir und er riecht gar nicht.

Lange hat mich gestört, dass er nach Rauch gerochen hat, wenn ich nicht rauchte. Ich rieche Rauch 20 Meter gegen den Wind. Als Sven einmal aufgehört hatte zu rauchen, ging ich eines Tages dem Rauchgeruch nach, der in mein Zimmer wehte und fand ihn in der hintersten Ecke des Gartens heimlich rauchen. Ich bereute, das getan zu haben, weil er von da an wieder offiziell rauchte und sich nicht mehr verstecken musste.

Seit mehr als einem Jahr rauchen wir beide nicht mehr. Endgültig. Ich hörte auf aus Solidarität zu ihm. Ich habe über 20 Jahre lang geraucht, ohne eine richtige Raucherin zu sein. Ich konnte an einem Abend eine Schachtel wegqualmen und dann für Tage nicht rauchen, bis ich einen Schluck Alkohol zu mir nahm. Es war mir unmöglich zu widerstehen sobald ich trank. Rauchen und Trinken gehörten zusammen. Nicht selten musste ich deshalb ein Bier aufmachen, damit ich eine Zigarette rauchen konnte. da ich tagsüber nicht trinke, rauchte ich nur abends.

Seit ich aufgehört habe, habe ich heimlich die eine oder andere Zigarette geraucht, wenn ich getrunken habe. Meine letzten beiden Zigaretten waren die besten. Ich habe sie am Neujahrsmorgen geraucht. Jede einzelne habe ich genossen, wie nichts anderes zuvor. Jeden einzelnen Zug habe ich eingezogen, als gäbe es kein Morgen, und Mann, war das gut! Noch nie haben Zigaretten so geschmeckt.

Das erstaunlich ist, das war nicht der Anfang, sondern das Ende. Von diesem Tag an, habe ich nie wieder Lust verspürt zu rauchen. Wenn ich jetzt ein Glas Wein trinke, habe ich vergessen, daß für mich eine Zigarette dazugehörte. Das fiel mir neulich auf. Ich denke nicht einmal mehr daran. Unvorstellbar war das noch vor einem Jahr.
Ich habe an diesem Neujahrmorgen für immer Abschied vom Rauchen genommen. Und was für würdiger ein Abschied.

Live Exams

Sitting in the garden, eating breakfast, I thought whether I had passed this year. I thought which were my strong subjects and which were my weak.
I reflected the year and I came to the conclusion that I did quite well. It has been a good year. A very demanding year at the same time. A lot of things had happened.

We moved to the country side, the children went to the village school (thank God) after homeschooling them for a few months. We bought a new car and travelled for the first time since we live here. We took a stranger into our house, I made a new friend for life, I started a blog, our book came out, we went to Germany (first time after 3 years), we signed a new book contract, we went to Madagascar. And I am sure I forgot some important things.

I asked Sven if he thinks he had passed this year. He said, he thinks he made it. I asked him what was his best subject. He said love.
Mine was happiness and contentment. That was my prayer at the beginning of this year.
We just had moved here, I was swimming in the river and thought, this is heaven, this is what I had always dreamt of and at the same moment I started to worry: Why did we only sign the lease for one year? What if we have to leave this place?
And I realized that I lived most of my life worrying. Either I was anxious that things would come to pass and when they finally did I worried that they will pass.
Floating on my back I decided this had to stop. I prayed that I would learn how to be happy and content in every situation. And I think this is what I learned this year.

Even now, feeling change coming without knowing where to go and how to do it, I feel peace. I enjoy where I am, and I am grateful for it and at the same time I am excited for new things to come, knowing God will give me the heart for wherever he wants me to be.

My weakest subject is still patience. That was my last years lesson and I hardly passed. I never understood why you have to learn patience. Wouldn’t it be much easier if things simply would happen faster?
But even here I learned not to wait, but to enjoy live in the meantime. That makes it much easier. And there is always something to enjoy.

The City of my Dreams

I often dream about a big city. It is the city of my dreams. Literarily. I always cry when I get there. It feels like coming home. Often I would call it New York, but it isn’t. The city of my dreams looks completely different. Not even nice. And completely strange. I always wonder why I have such an affinity to that city and at the same time it is almost repulsive. Huge Buildings, wide and empty streets with lots of empty space. You almost can’t walk there. It is too big. It is a city on a hill. I have to climb or drive a long way up to the top. Last night I sat in a highrise building on top of the hill. I looked out of the window and cried because I finally got there.
I wonder why this place keeps coming back and how this place that I have never seen before and which doesn’t look like any place I know always looks alike and how I can be so moved and feel so at home when at the same time it feels so strange. Even in my dreams I wonder.

Heartbraking

After I woke up, Sven brought me tea and told me a story from the local paper. There was this 20 years old woman, a young mother, living in the township, who had an incurable heart disease. One morning she received a call from the Banard Memorial Hospital that they had a matching heart for her and the operation was scheduled at 11 the next morning.

This woman was very weak. She was lying in bed for more than one year. She got up the next morning and went on a taxi. The hospital is more than a hundred kms away. The taxi ( a minibus, main transport for poor people) dropped her of a taxi rank in Bellville, a suburb outside Cape Town, where she had to get another taxi to get into the city.
She arrived at 10 in Cape Town. At that time one of her legs was paralyzed and “she started to feel strange”. It took her more than a half our walk from there to the hospital. She was on the brink of collapse but she dragged herself there.

Concerned nurses phoned her because she hasn’t arrived yet and encouraged her all the way. Finally she arrived shortly before the operation was scheduled, got a new heart and recovered remarkably well after.
When the Overstrand executive mayor saw her story in the paper he visited her in the hospital and said, “this woman is such an inspiration for everyone. She helped herself against all odds”.

How could he dare to say that? He should fall on his knees an apologize to that woman that she had to drag herself to the hospital on the risk of her life. He should buy her a car and pay for her license. At least.

I can’t believe they didn’t send her an ambulance to get there. Even when they knew, she was on her way and could hardly make it, they didn’t rush out to get her, but cheered her on the phone: Yeahh, come on, you will make, just another 100 meters). They have a heart for her but no transport to get it. How ironic is this?

The Sleeping Man

“You know, what always astounds me in this city”, Olga said, pointing up a steep road, “is people sleeping on the streets”. It is midday in Cape Town, we just had lunch at Simply Asia. I look up the road and I see what she is talking about. There is a man lying on his stomach in the middle of the narrow pavement, his head resting on his arm. My heart almost stops for a moment. “If he is sleeping”, she says and laughs and I am relieved that we don’t have to stop and check if he is still alive.
She is right, while we are driving, I see people sleeping everywhere. Preferably on grass or under trees, but also in bright sunlight. Taking a nap wherever they are. Men, women, workers, mothers, children. What a city.

Details

D from all my ponies tagged me (whatever that means) and here are some details. I added books and hair which seemed important to me.

1. clothing:
A topic I give much thinking but little effort to.
My clothes must hide my flaws, underline my features, they have to be comfortable and must make me look beautiful. This seems to become more difficult the older I get. And even before that. I am 1.80 m and I hardly ever find a piece of clothing with a waste line that is at the same hight as mine.
I don’t want to be dictated by fashion, my clothes have to be dictated by me, by my taste, my movements, my bodyshape.
My clothes have to be simple with rafinesse, special in the details. Colours have to suit me and that is why there are mostly grey, blue, beige, olive in all shades in my cupboard. I own one red t-shirt and a bright orange windjacket that I hardly wear.
My favorites at the moment are two blouses with stehkragen and small stripes, Jeans with wide legs, a blazer with small stripes and ballerinas. I seem to like stripes at the moment. I hardly wear heels and my passion for shoes has died down.
Almost every piece I have is a compromise in some way and that is why I decided it is time to get a tailor. I always dreamed about one perfect pair of pants, blouse, skirt, dress in different fabrics, everything combinable to a perfect flattering, comfortable, elegant but understated uniform. And I never want to shop for clothes again! Ever!

2. furniture
We once had a little comouflage tent in an empty room. That looked perfect. Everything we own is either second hand finds or makeshifts. We moved so often and left everything behind us. Every place we live in seems to be temporary, that is why we never put much effort in furnishing.
If we will ever have our own house, most of the furniture would be built in, like seats and tables and beds and shelfs and cupboards as part of the architecture. Every room perfectly designed for its purpose and our habits and lifestyle.

3. sweet
Marshmallows, sour jelly beans, wriggly worms and jelly babies. Geleefrüchte, Marzipankartoffeln, alles aus Gelee und Marzipan!

4. city
Cologne for its people and the Columba Museum, Berlin for the (my) history, Munich for being my hometown, New York, always wanted to live there, Cape Town, most beautiful city, London, for memories, Bangkok, the craziest city of all.

5. drink
Mostly tab water, I love coke with lots of ice, beer, frozen Margharitas, Sherry, black tea with milk and sugar.

6. music
I get almost all my music from my friend Ludger. I will listen to my favorites a hundred times and I will stop listening to music at all, because I can’t hear it any more. That is why I never got to be a regular music listener.
In general, I like women singing to guitar, (or as my friend Louis said, high pitched women voices) like Lily Allen. I hate rock and my favorite music for the last months was: The Whitest Boy Alive, Asa, Coldplay, Santogold, Yael Naim, Zero 7, Macy Gray, Bon Iver, Feist, Cat Power.
Pop only, never got into classic or jazz.

7. tv
No tv in the house because otherwise I would watch Oprah, Amerikas Next Top Model, The Apprentice, Survivor and The Biggest Looser all the time.
HBO series on dvd. I Have all six feet under seasons and it is still the best ever. My second favorite is Nip Tuck. And the South African series Home Affairs.

8.film
Mostly on dvd. Ensemble films like Short Cuts and Robert Altman in general. Lantana and Crash. Ang Lee. Yi Yi by Edward Yang. I forget films very quickly. So I my favorites are those who stay, like: Icestorm by Ang Lee, Matchpoint by Woody Allan, Nikita by Luc Bresson, Garden State, Laurel Canyon and High Art by Lisa Cholodenko, the Aniversary, the Antoine Doinel Trilogie by Truffaut, la Notte by Antonioni, Marseille by Angela Schanelec, The Day I Became a Woman.
Films I liked lately: Into the wild, Margot at the Wedding, As it is in Heaven.
I am sure I forgot a lot!

9. books
At the moment I read Goethes Wahlverwandschaften. I started it twice but for the first time I understand it, and it is fantastic. I completely missed out on the German classics.
Favorite books:
Rot und Schwarz by Stendal, Anna Karenina by Tolstoi, Madama Bovary by Flaubert, Candid by Voltaire, Wuthering Hights by Emily Bronte, Hunger by Knut Hamsun, Oblomow by Gontscharow, Erste Liebe by Turgeniev, Ein Held unserer Zeit by Lermontow, Hiob by Joseph Roth, Chechov Erzählungen, Paustowski Erzählungen, Girlfriend in a Coma by Douglas Coupland, Samuel Pepy’s diary, The Bible, Zeno Cosini by Italo Svevo, A Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank, Populärmusik aus Vitula by Mikael Niemi, Disgrace by J.M. Cotzea, The Cement Garden by Ian McEwan, Rave by Rainald Goetz, Ausweitung der Kampfzone by Michel Houellebecq, Wunschliste eines Bastards by Harmony Korine, The Catcher in the Rye by Salinger, Cockfighter by Charles Willeford and the Hoke Mosley series, Strangeland by Tracey Emin, Ice and Fire by Andrea Dworkin, Unter Wasser Atmen by Julie Orringer, Was am Ende bleibt by Paula Fox, Die kleinen Störungen der Menschheit by Grace Paley
Non fiction: Reasons For God by Tim Keller, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller, Velvet Ellis by Rob Bell.
I am anxious I forgot important books and I know I did.

10. workout
I never work out. I go for walks and swims.

11. hair
My hair used to be brown but now it is grey and I dye it. If I would live on a lonely island or in a monastery I would cut it short and grow it out to see how I look with grey hair. I hate going to hairdressers, and I don’t trust them. That is why my hair is very long at the moment. Sometimes I cut it myself. Short hair looks best on me but for that I need a good and regular haircut. That’s why I let it grow and tie it in a knot at the back. So it looks short and always right. I hardly ever wear it down. Always side parting, never fringe.

12. pastries
I never share Nici’s chocolate cake. It is made out of pure chocolate, no flour. She made it the first time for our wedding, never tried it herself and lost the recipe. Luckily she found it again.

13. coffee
Never

Real Life

The day started just fine. Went for a long walk this morning. Had only 2 ricecrackers with jam for breakfast. And a cup of tea with soi milk and one spoon of sugar.

But I just ate lunch. Only salad but with eggs and avo and lentils and feta. I snacked on feta, olives and tomatoes while making the salad. I forked a huge portion of salad onto my plate and ate it all up even I was full after finishing half of the plate. Had a tea with soi milk and one and a half spoon of sugar for desert. So far with my guidelines. Will not eat anything more today!

We had no water this morning and again it is gone. This happens like twice a month. Same with electricity. Everytime it happens I try to open the tap or switch on the light for a hundred times only to be puzzled every time again, that no water will come, the light won’t switch on. It shows how used I am to these things which are luxury for a big part of the world.

A Lazy Guide to Stay Thin

I find that I have a lot more to say about things I know little about.
For example diet. I never have been on a diet. Not that I never had too.

I am 1.80m. When I was 17 I weighed 57 kilos. My ideal weight now would be about 65. I don’t know my weight now because I only step on a scale when I feel really thin and that was what the hotel scale showed two and half years ago. When I feel too fat it usually shows 70.

The last time I got rid of 5 kilos was on my last reading tour in Germany. I had a nervous tummy bug and could hardly eat for a week. At the end of my journey I bought a pair of Jeans as encouragement to stay thin. I haven’t worn these jeans for a year. My skinny Jeans are still my measure.

For a long time I thought it is just luck that some people stay thin and others don’t. I honestly thought fat people eating big cakes is a chliche´. But it isn’t. I realized that most thin people eat less. All my friends which are thiner than me eat less than I do. And most people which are fatter than me eat more. Most thin people are always very disciplined with food. Most people have to be that. Always!
If I want to stay thin I have to stay hungry. I can not always eat untill I feel full.

I don’t believe in diets. I believe diets are dangerous. Only fat people go on diets. And they usually stay fat or get fat again. I believe once you starve yourself your metabolism gets lazy and you will store fat that you will never get rid of. I believe in eating less. So I slowly and carefully go down with my food intake.
I believe in a diet for life. A healthy eating habit that I found is working for me. I wrote down some of the rules that came into my mind. Depending on my weight and mood I stick to more or less of the rules. My body weight is only dictated by my own well being and the clothes I wear. No scales!

- Never get on a scale when you are trying to loose weight.

- Never ever buy new clothes a size bigger because everything you own is too small. (This is a non-negotionable!)

- Don’t starve yourself untill you get so hungry that you could eat a whole cow (and do).

- Decrease your food intake slowly but constantly

- Don’t get bored. Get some excitement.

- Sport only makes you hungry (and even worse, your body will get used to it and you will have to keep on exercising to keep your weight). Walk more or have more sex instead.

- Go for an hour walk every day.

- Cook a lot. I loose my appetite when I cook.

- Eat less but more often. 5 meals a day.

- Never go on a diet!

- Avoid bread, cake, everything flowery, sugar (when you can) and potatoes (in any form!) when you feel too fat.

- When you had a heavy meal stay away from desert.

- Don’t eat after 6 o’ clock in the evening or only a light meal.

- Take only half portions and rather go for seconds. Stop eatings even when you still feel hungry, but feel full once a day.

- Eat little portions of many different foods. So your tastedbuds are fully satisfied.

- Only eat when you are hungry and not because everybody else does.

- Never feel guilty but feel good about yourself if you kept even one rule for today and keep on trying.

- Eat slowly! (I can’t, but I know two very skinny girls who eat veery slowly and thought there might be a connection)

- Only drink water!

Any other suggestions?

Next: My thoughts on the best way to spend your life. Stay thin!

Laziness

View from my friend’s office in Cape Town

View from my friends balcony

My friends in front of the window

I could easily blame the slow internet for not blogging. Or the heat. Jetlag. Lack of inspiration. All of it is partly true but actually it is my laziness.

I wrote a lot though but nothing anyone would enjoy to read. I tried to catch up with last week but it was all boring and than we did this and that…

I went to Cape Town on Saturday. Enjoyed the city and my friend as always. Ate Thai food, went shopping and for a walk on the promenade. Now I am back to normal.

I spent the day with succesfully doing nothing. It is amazing how one can keep oneself busy from 8 in the morning untill now, 3.33 in the afternoon. I haven’t left the house. Haven’t even showered nor washed my hair. Nor dressed properly. Only washed and creamed my face, brushed my teeth and hair.

I started the morning very promising by editing and completing a story about crime for the new book. Got stuck because I needed an article. Went through all the Sunday Times supplements but couldn’t find it though I had only read it two days before. Ate in between searching three rice crackers with delicious jam a gift from my friend in Köln. Drank tea, chatted with Sven. Watched him operating the slow internet. Found a Neon magazin that i hadn’t read yet and went through it. Sven showed me the new site he had built. We tried to change some things together, which took hours. I checked emails, wrote a birthday mail to Nana. Happy birthday Nana! Checked emails again. Read in Goethes Wahlverwandschaften. Wrote a blog entry that turned out to be absolut boring rubbish. Thought some thoughts about blogging. Thought some thoughts about dieting. Thought some thoughts about wasting time and I came to the conclusion that the set routine of every day ist to blame.

Every day starts at the same time. Not that i have to get up. But I wake up and even if I ignore the time everyone else gets up I can’t deny it. We have time to write and work untill two or three. Than the kids come home, lunch has to be made, we eat. Than rest, homeworks, everyone dissapears in their rooms. Than evening, eat, do whatever, i don’t even know what. Bedtime. Read. Sleep.

This routine cuts the day in little pieces. There is a piece for this, a piece for that. Every piece has a set amount of time and things to do. I wake up in the morning and I know what my day will be like.
I try to get out of the routine, sleep late, do not work, read when I am supposed to write, but it makes it only worse. Does anybody know what I am talking about or is it only me?

Please come back. Tomorrow I will share my thoughts on dieting!

La Vie Est Formidable

Wieder zurück. Schon seit ein paar Tagen, aber ich brauche Zeit ganz anzukommen. Es war ein großartiger Monat. Ich möchte mich bei all meinen wunderbaren Freunden bedanken, die uns so großartig aufgenommen und bekocht haben!
Es macht mich glücklich und traurig zugleich, so nah gekommen aber wieder so weit weg zu sein.

Mein Kopf ist ein vollgesogener Schwamm voller Eindrücke und Ideen. Er ist so schwer, daß ich ihn kaum herumtragen kann und ganz langsam bin im Denken und im Reden.
Ich lag die letzten Tage im Bett und habe die aufsteigende Erkältung bekämpft, die seit zwei Wochen versucht zu ihrem Recht zu kommen. Jetzt hat sie es endlich begriffen: Sie hat kein Recht.

Hier ist Sommer. Richtig Sommer, mit 30 Grad und allem. Um halb acht wird es dunkel, um 6 Uhr morgens geht die Sonne auf. Alles wächst und blüht wie verrückt. Der Garten ist überwuchert. Es ist überwältigend. Vor einem Monat waren die Temperaturen hier ähnlich wie in Deutschland. Verrückt eine Zeitverschiebung von einem halben Jahr.

Mein Hirn hängt halb über dem Äquator, aber bald wird es ganz hier sein und das ist gut so, weil ich es nämlich brauche. Noch liege ich herum wie unter einer Glasglocke mit dem betäubendem Geruch und der Wärme des Sommers, Vogelstimmen und kann es gar nicht fassen wieder hier zu sein..

******

I am back again. Since a few days but I need more time to arrive completely. It was the greatest month! I want to thank all my wonderful friends for their great hospitality and the delicious food they cooked for us!

I am sad and happy at the same time. Having been so close and having moved so far away again.

My head is like a sponge, full of ideas and impressions. It is so heavy that I can hardly carry it around and I am very slow in thinking and talking.

I spent the last two days in bed trying to fight down a cold that tried to get it’s right for the last two weeks. It finally got it: It hasn’t got any right.

Here is summer. Really summer. 30 degrees and all. The sun sets at half past seven and rises at 6.30. Everything grows and blossoms like mad. The garden is overgrown. It is overwhelming. Only a month ago we had about the same temperature as in Germany. It is crazy having half a year time difference.

My brain still hangs half above the equator, but it will soon arrive and that is good because I need it here. I feel like under a glass cover and still can’t believe to be here again.

our bed in cologne

beautiful autumn leaves on the balcony in Cologne

Near the Rhein Ufer in Köln

View from the Rhein Bridge

Steps in front of the Philharmonie in Köln. The Dom in the back.

The Dom

Sven auf der Domplatte

Bruder Klaus Kapelle build bei great Peter Zumthor. Unfortunately it was closed on Monday, when we arrived.

Sven in front of the Zumthor chapell

Brussels. Foto by Toni

Life is great. Kitchen in Brussels